Tuesday, November 22, 2016

So far so good..


I started working since 7th November. Today is my 3rd week.
How do I feel? Everything seems OK at the moment. Although my current job is not ideally a development job, I get to work at MNC and can go back after performing a 8 hour work time.

So far for my work resume, I have worked with MNCs like Agilent & IBM. During my stay at Agilent, my work hours are 40 hours work week. IBM was also the same. I should feel fortunate as such work loads are unheard of for other professions such as auditing (which may work till midnight).

December is coming soon, and I will have my birthday on January, making me 35 at that time. How fast time passes, time awaits for no one. I am no longer young, and cannot afford to be care free like last time.

Some todo and past ramblings are as follows.

todo:
- improve my technical skills: fortunately/unfortunately for my job, I always need to keep up with latest tech to stay relevant. I think I will give priority to Swift and Angular. Learning Swift will enable me to create apps during free time, while Angular may be useful in future office work. Other fields to look into may include AI and NLP
- read books: I am currently reading Kaku's science books. Maybe I should read about general finance books, I just managed to find one - wealth secrets of the 1%. I don't think I will be reading books on stock related, such as beating the market systems etc as I think such books simply don't work in real life
- gym: time to workout! Thinking of applying for membership at HP
- join clubs: Toastmasters HP maybe?
- more cautious with money: In Aug, I spent RM 300 for a Peatix event which I never went. Same for Sep as well, RM 190 for a singles event which I never went. However both times fall during the period when I was at hospital
- get a girl friend: maybe try matching some profiles in esync. There is a event going on at MCA Cupid, though I am reluctant at this moment

Past ramblings: record on my past mistakes
- Penang: should have stayed for at least 3 years, so that I can apply for Aussie immigration
-- if I had stayed, would not have came back and cause trouble for dad
- should not be double minded about going back Penang or stay at KL - causing stress and acne
- should have worked instead of idling, wasted 5 years
- should not have wasted time on blogs, religion, starting up
- Uni: should have get to know Khersing more
- high school: should have join more clubs, know more friends, date



Thursday, November 3, 2016

Going back to HP again

HP Enterprise Cyberjaya

On Sunday, I went to Cyberjaya to celebrate Master's son birthday anniversary. I met Arrivu there and told him my desire to return back to HP again. He agreed to help me ask Ethan. On Monday, he phoned and told me that Ethan is ok with me going back. I felt relieved.

However I did not call him immediately and on Wednesday Arrivu messaged me that Ethan asked how come I did not call him. Hence I messaged Ethan and called him, asking if I can join back. He agreed without much hesitation and ask me to contact back my hiring agency. I told him Technodex (my ex hiring company) was fine.

Technodex phoned me and told me I can start working on 7th Nov. I negotiated with them for slightly higher salary and starting on 14th. The higher salary was agreed upon, but however I have to start on 7th instead, which I am fine with.

So how do I feel about this whole thing?

I informed Yuen and Ying and they were very positive about it. Yuen says its a great thing for the salary I am getting and so did sis too. So I guess no complains here; my salary may be lower than those of my peers, but I need to accept the fact that of the 10 years since graduation, I did not work fully 10 years. Some of the years were spent on biz/startup, religion, Youtube and idling.

I am happy that I can join back without much hassle. Thinking carefully, HP Cyberjaya is a big MNC, with facilities such as parking, canteen, gym etc which I take for granted. If I were to work elsewhere I don't think I can enjoy such amenities. As for the manager, he is OK and I don't have much complains.

I plan to stay long term with the company. For now, and foreseeable future, I don't have plans for going overseas (such as Singapore), no more plans for own startup and plan to settle down. The reasons are:
  • Going overseas - Singapore - I have no long term plan of settling down there. Just like when I was at Penang (although a mistake). Singapore also seem like a very small and crowded place to me, not sure if I would like it
  • Startup - I have often thought of having my own company. But for a startup to be successful, after being funded, is like 0.4% success rate (link). At the moment I don't have a solid idea, and even if I have them (Qllion, NLP engine, econ predictor etc) they are technically infeasible. Even if I managed to have my own startup, it would probably take a huge chunk of my life before I can even taste its success. Maybe at least need to commit 5 years of hard work, uncertain of success at the end of the day. By that time I would be 40+. Not worth wasting my time, money, effort IMHO
  • Settle down - well I am 34 now. My best times are over, not to mention I wasted 6/7+ years due to poor/absence of planning. The better route for me now is to find a partner (if possible), buy a home and settle down. Hopefully I can have a family, although I don't have high hopes for this



Friday, October 28, 2016

Visiting Penang and Genting

I wanted to travel around before finding jobs again. Hence I decided to visit Penang and Genting.
Mum and I left on the 26th. She came back from HUKM around 12 something. Officially I left at 1:04 PM.

Halfway through, I stopped at the Sungai Buloh R&R and had KFC. The whole thing took about 1/2 hour and delayed our journey. Along the way I also stopped at various R&R, delaying the trip further. Despite showing that Penang can be reached in ~3.x hours from home, in actuality our trip took 6! hours.

We reached our destination, lebuh Kimberly and it was already 7. I parked my car once I entered Kimberly and walked towards a coffee house named Sin Guat Keong. There I managed to find a kuay teow seller; earlier on I knew about the shop in a Youtube video.

I asked for with eggs and additional prawns. When they came, total was RM 17. Kuay Teow was nice, tastes heavily flavored (wok). I also ordered iced coffee and later on I ordered Chee Cheong Fun. The CCF tastes pretty good!

Once done I drove to hotel Continental and stayed there. I found out about Continental in 2014 when dad and I were at Penang looking for accommodation after YMCA was full.


The next day after our breakfast, we went to Him Heang and bought the dou sar biscuits. Yum I like Him Heang. After that we drove to the famous Burmese (Dhammikarama) and Thai temple at lorong Burma. Sure brings back alot of memories.

I went to the Burmese temple first because I preferred it more. We straight away went to the giant standing Buddha shrine and took pictures. Behind it is also a row of marble monks and I took picture of mum as well.

After resting awhile, we went to the Thai temple located opposite. I took a picture of mum with the giant reclining Buddha. However I don't quite like the temple, because the temple hosts alot of urns containing ashes of deceased ones. Outside the temple, still within its compound, is a graveyard as well. I said to myself, how lucky are all those who are housed within the temple's compound.


Upon returning to my car, unfortunately I realized I was summoned for not displaying parking tickets. The summon states that I can settle it at Komtar, 3rd floor. Since it was already 12 PM, I drove to Queensbay mall instead.


At Queensbay mall, I decided to give mum a treat hence we went to Haagen Dazs and ordered the chocolate fondue. It tasted great! However, the whole thing was pricey, at RM 72. After finishing we went 1 floor below and bought the Hokkaido baked cheese tarts. Great tasting as well.

Once done I drove to Komtar and paid the summon. By the time I reached back, it was already 5 PM. I messaged Shkang to meet up and he said to meet at Sunway Carnival Mall located at Seberang.


Ahh.. meeting with Shkang again after all these years. He's a very technical person, even till now the stuff he is doing is technical related. Unlike me now, I try to shun these things. I don't hope to keep bonded by technical stuff for long time.

We chatted about our old MMU friends and work life. I also talked with him about girl friend and he told me he had a brief encounter with this issue. He mentioned that he dated his office's lady.. eventually finding out the she is very demanding and money oriented. After not long they both separated.. I feel bad for him, but perhaps it was a blessing afterall.


I went back to hotel later on. At around 12 midnight, I went out and took a stroll around Jalan Penang.

Ahh.. all the sweet memories of 10 years ago when I first came to this place. Wei Lim, Guo Zin, JD, me and others would come here often at Friday nights once the weekend arrives. We would park our car at E&O hotel and hand around here for hours. I think we went clubbing as well, but can't remember the name of the club.

But when I went further into the clubbing street, I can't notice but feel that it has lost its touch. Upon entering the place, you would see the clubbing building on left being closed down. Also, only about 4-5 shops are active.. the others - closed for renovation. When I walked further down, there is a building (in front of wisma Boon Siew) that houses the pewter shop - too bad its closed down now. Inside, there are 2 still surviving clubbing houses. I think I never went there.

The next day came and I drove to Genting.

Going to Genting, coming from Penang and entering via Tanjung Malim seem to be alien to me. I never tried it before and this was what Waze recommended to me. I went to places like Ulu Yam, KKB, Batang Kali and other very kampung places. Overall the experience was not good since the roads are small. Once reaching Gotong Jaya, we stop by at LGT's memorial place. It was pretty decent.

After that we continued, and stop by at the Chin Swee temple. It is always a pleasure visiting that place. I parked my car at B1, then took a lift to reach G floor. At G, there are various deities you can pray to. I burned some joss sticks and offered my prayers.


Once done, I took another lift and went to the 7th floor. It was the Chin Swee Deity place. The place was very nice and cozy. I did not burn joss sticks this time as I had already done it earlier on.

I offered my prayers there, and took a view at the mountains and jungle below. Suffice to say, I only did it briefly because I have phobia of heights. I would have irrational thoughts of falling through the place and can't stand still when surrounded by such high heights.

This reminded me of mum complaining about the height issue when dad's condo was around. I now understand why she does not like it.


Once done we went to the 13th floor and that's where I took a pic of mum juxtaposed with the giant Buddha. The pic was lovely. We could have gone higher up to view the mountains but I did not bother as I was afraid of the height.


We continued our journey, and upon reaching the peak I parked at Resort hotel. Upon going to the counter, they asked if I had booked and if I had membership card. I said none and when asked for a room for 2, she said the price was RM 940 (?)! At this time I regretted that I had not done my homework - by booking in advance.

When asked for cheaper accommodation, she said I could look for First World but alas it was already full. She suggested others like Amber Court and Awana.

I carried my bag and went to First World lobby (very long way indeed), hoping that I might still have some luck. But unfortunately it was confirmed that there was none. Going to First World lobby, gave me alot of old memories when I was here at younger age. The lobby looks dark, and I instantly remembered the black trees decoration there.

Not wanting to give up, I went to 2nd floor and placed my bag at the locker. There, I went to the casinos. Ah, fond memories of them. All the jackpot machines, Baccarat, roulette, Chinese zodiac etc were there. Unfortunately I don't know many of them. Nonetheless able to go to the casinos again was a great thing for me.

At around 6 something, I became tired already and asked mum if she wanted to go back or not. She said yes, and since I was not so optimistic about finding accommodation, I ceded to driving back home. I did not manage to take a walk outside Genting as I had hoped.


I leaned quite alot today. Looks like Genting has 4 sections - First World, Resort Hotel, Maxims and Genting Grand.

  • First World - the cheapest hotel stay, with the old casino
  • Resort World - most expensive hotel stay, with new casino
  • Maxims - higher class hotel, casinos
  • Genting Grand - most expensive stay? VIP casino

Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Swatch watches

I bought 2 Swatch watches years ago, about 3xx for the main watch and maybe 1xx for the casual one.

Although I don't use them often, I have noticed that after a few times it got scratched. The surface of the watch (the glass one) seem not to be scratch proof! It was quite a disappointment for me upon realizing this.

Is this the reason that's why people spend thousands for a good watch? I hope I won't walk down this path.


Old times at MMU, Confucian and other stuff

I was looking at Mayday's Gan Bei MV and it brought alot memories.


I remember looking back at my teenage and Uni pictures - I was very thin and nerdy. Not wearing good clothes and not appearing good as well.


Then MMU came and I met Amy in the Alpha year physics lab. Amy seems to be a quiet girl, but unfortunately I took no interest of her. She even decided to stay at Melaka after the Alpha year, but on Gamma(?) year she transferred to Cyberjaya. I guess the reason is because of Nicholas - they were couple after that.

How foolish I was, just taking care of my self and only bothered about exam results. My goal that time was to score first class so that I don't have to repay PTPTN. I didn't even bothered about the clubs etc until final year.

Later on I would come to know Kher Sing. She's really a nice and innocent girl, unfortunately again I didn't take interest in her (WTF is wrong with me!). We are good friends, and quite alot of times I helped her in homework. I also helped her in the FYP. Few times she sent me a thank you note, but alas I didn't have the courtesy to reply her back.

After graduating, Kher Sing came to Penang to work. That time she seem to have some troubles on logistics and I fetched her back home. Thinking back, it was a golden opportunity to get to know her better, but I did not appreciate it. Then CFA came - and I abandoned everything and came back to KL to do the damned course. In short, I became depressed, undecided if want to return to Penang or not, then eventually stayed and wasted years of my life.


This brings me back to high school as well. Ah high school - still so young. But unfortunately I did the same error again - just focusing on exam results.

I miss out on other things - like joining clubs and knowing girls and more friends. I know maybe <20 friends in my class and many now have been forgotten. How foolish I was, now thinking back, and wasted my time just on academics. I didn't have the philosophy that knowing more friends was more valuable asset. My focus was just short termed I guess.


Now I am 34 and I feel that I have nothing left. Dad passed away, many friends are strangers now, no life partner, no significant cash assets, no properties. Luckily I still have mum and siblings, although we don't talk much.

Overall, I feel that I did not walk the 人生路 like what most people do. Instead I think that I am too focused/limited; for example being too academic focused - once graduate already, what use it has? I never thought that far that time.

Also I seem don't have a plan - this is something I admit it is having negative effect on me. Because of having no plans, I feel that's why I ended up as single now, and that this caused me to have unstable career as well.

Can I blame my parents for this? I think only up to a certain point. Dad was not a very social guy, so I was naturally a introvert most of the time. He also didn't encourage us to participate in clubs, I guess maybe he doesn't want to push/force us and perhaps he wanted us to do well in exams.

Nonetheless I am grateful that I met Aaron in Uni, he taught me to be more sociable. But after graduating, I regressed overall, especially after coming back to KL and becoming depressed.

Dad, what should I do now? I am already 1/3 of my lifetime. Wish u were still here.
I will try my best to appease mum and treat her well. As for finances I will just find a normal secure job and do my best from there. I will not pursue entrepreneurial dreams as I think they are too risky, takes too much time, insecure and very hard to predict.

Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Classical music

When I feel down and unhappy, the one thing that would cheer me up would be classical music.

I fell in love with classical music when I was very young. Dad would play the cassette when I was to sleep and this exposed me to the music.

I am not sure if he played the music during our stay at grandpa's flat. All I remember was the music was played when I was at the room I am staying at Jalan Bunga.

Dad, thanks for this exposure. This has helped me to appreciate classical music alot. Surprisingly I don't think Yuen and Ying are interested in it. Not just them, even my friends don't seem to appreciate classical. Not sure why though. But I think for those who know music, they will surely appreciate such music.

One thing I regret is that I don't have musical skills. Although dad paid for musical lessons, I quit the lesson after the teacher hit me a few times. Perhaps it's just that I don't have talent in this field, just as what I realize about art during primary school days.

Sunday, October 23, 2016

Random thoughts

Random tidbits. Just felt like blogging.

#1 Working again
Today bro Ong messaged me and asked where am I. Following that he asked me if I was not attending Dhamma classes or not. Actually quite surprised he messaged me, maybe he is concerned about me. I told him about my troubles last time and we chatted quite a long time.

Anyway I replied to him saying I am busy with my stuff especially on going back to work again. Due to that I am busy with tutorials hence not much time for the classes. I did not tell him that I am not going for the Goenka vipassana classes. It seems too much for me, for I still remember last time when at SJBA, it was a suffering session for me even though the meditation class was 4 days.

Earlier on I messaged Master and asked if his team is hiring or not. But nope, he asked me instead to check with Ethan. I guess I will do that next week. Hope so I can go back to HPE again.

#2 Should I go for CLM?
I have not decided to go for CLM counselling yet. Not sure if it will benefit me or not or is just a waste of time. I general I am quite negative about these things; I remember going for one last time and challenged the speaker. Not quite remember what was the issue that time, 4 yee recommended that time.

#3 Uncle Quen
I met uncle Quen at HUKM; he was blind (one eye blinded by a doctor, another due to medical condition) and when at hospital we chatted on quite alot of things. He requested me to help me to look into 锵锵三人行 for a particular episode, which I believe can give him a contact regarding some ophthalmologist doctor. Upon coming out from hospital however, I didn't keep in touch with him. I personally think that this is the better way of letting things end. If I were to contact him again, it would seem that I am interfering with his household matters. Furthermore, I don't think I can help much. Please forgive me uncle.

#4 The future
What is the ultimate purpose of life? I have tried to answer this question years ago through Youtube videos, books, religions etc but it only ended up in wasting my time. Perhaps I wasn't patient enough to find the answers or that there isn't simply an answer to this. Over the course of years my believes have also changed, starting from no believes -> agnostic -> mixed/freethinker/deist -> Christian -> Buddhist etc. Oh Sagan, what would you do if u were in my position?

#5 Progress of life
I just saw Aaron's pictures. Nowadays he seems to be busy with golf adventures. Ah, what life is. There are stages of life as years pass by. During Uni days, Aaron was a average student but he excels in co-curricular and extrovert related activities. Now he is already married, has house, car, career, wife, children etc. But seems to be more relaxed nowadays. Really admire his life.
I often feel down when comparing with his life. It seem like I am not working hard enough - is it true?

Friday, October 21, 2016

My Asus G55V gaming laptop


So fast. Upon checking my xls file, I realized that the laptop was bought in 2012!
It has been 4 years now.

Any complains?
Well, first of all, the battery went kaput. The original battery has problems - it can only go until 2x% and suddenly the system would power off without warning. The only solution was to replace the battery. Can't really remember the cost, maybe was around RM 200-300 something.

There is an annoying problem with the audio driver. The VIA audio driver would sometimes cause audio output to headphones to be redirected to system output. I have not found a satisfactory solution to this yet. Last time I remember, using the default Windows 10 drivers would cause audio NOT to be output to headphones (if remembered correctly) and the volume has problems.

Now, the latest problem is that the system fan is having noise. Not so serious yet, since I still can use the PC without much problem.

On the physical side of the laptop, I feel that it is very heavy. I should think of this issue the next time I buy laptops. Currently I prefer Macbook over this PC laptop because it is lighter and has better finish.

Other than that, I remember in one of the years that I threw the laptop to neighbour's roof. What audacity. I was having problems that time, I also threw the Renaissance paintings book there too. I don't know who took back the stuff - should be the renovation uncle who was renovating our house that time.

Wednesday, October 19, 2016

What triggers me


I have been in hospital for many times, and I do not wish to repeat it.
I am trying my best, at home now, to rest and avoid triggering my thoughts.

So far, I have identified the following topics which could possibly cause me to relapse:
- dwelling in religion stuff, especially on reading up on doomsday, prophecy, esoteric, demonic materials
- dwelling into sexual materials - I have no idea why I looked into this stuff during my latest admission. Perhaps just only to have pleasurable feelings
- hatred towards others, esp Khai Ling. Not sure why I am on this though; I mean I don't know her really well, yet I seem to dislike her much, perhaps because I really admire and like her

When I am in unstable state, I notice that I would become generous and usually this would result in loss of money. Last time I donated to Debbie (again) and I donated away many of dad's books. I also gave away my hand phones.

The usual path that I would express myself is via Facebook. There, I would post my thoughts. Friends and siblings and relatives would see them in the process, and for this time my brother took me in to hospital due to some demonic postings and doomsday related ones.

So how to overcome future admissions? I hope that by shutting my mind down to think of only basic things and not to engage in religious materials, this may solve my problem. I also hope that being mindful might help me, though at this stage I am not really a mindful person yet.

Tamed down ambitions


What have I been doing since 2008/09? I was setting up my own Sdn Bhd that time in hopes of developing some sort of iOS app. I remembered about developing a news reader app that time.
But it did not materialise. I printed out the ebook on iOS development but never really read it.

Further on..
2010 - working at IBM but left due to YTL contest.
2014 - Qllion failure
2016 - OpenKant failure

In essence, all my entrepreneurial attempts have been a failure. In all cases I attempted to do some sort of app but never ended up materializing. Recent projects are more on technical impossibility or I just can't do it alone.

Upon further inspection, I also come to realize this entrepreneur thing probably requires minimum 5-7 years of my life, the end result being uncertain of success or not. The entrepreneur journey is also a team effort, 1 person lone ranger is not working as I have experienced so far. With additional team member into the team would also introduce uncertainty and worries.

With the points mentioned above, I think it is better for me for look for a normal 9-6 job and be happy with it. I think it's not really a bad idea, I get to have a fixated schedule and don't have to worry about too many things and variables.

Cons is, well I am abit late into the game, and my resume does not bode me well. I guess I have to settle for less. Hehe what else can I do right?

What I have been doing in the past


I noticed that I don't have post in August and September. Perhaps I should write here what I did during that time.

In August, I think I started to have interests in entrepreneurial activities again. I attended some events by Magic during that month. In one of the event I met a few girls, namely Ah Mich and Snow as acquittance.

During August, I also had a particular interest in a niche IT project, namely a software that can understand search terms - OpenKant. While is seems interesting, an advanced AI/parser/entity system, upon further examination I am not actually able to implement it. It is too advanced. People with PhD are actually working on this stuff, and me, without even a Masters, trying to do it - I think its something too ambitious.

There was also another competition going around that time, organized by Uber+Digi on disruption ideas at http://global.mymagic.my/en/ideas/ (was it called Uber Ideas?). I had plans of taking part in it, but as fated instead I landed in hospital and the contest lapsed. Perhaps it is to tell me that my entrepreneurial pursuits are over.

I was also admitted to hospital, from August 6-19. If I remembered correctly, I started posting weird stuff in Facebook, like doomsday, condemnation, religious things, Khai Ling, ramblings etc - Yuen and Wen Han saw them. Uncle Kar Fook came to visit, and later Yuen came and asked me to go to hospital. I complied.

During the period leading to 26th August, which is dad's birthday, I went to dad's grave. I forgot which day was that, probably 2-3 days before 26th. I chit chatted, but also cried half way, telling dad how much I missed him. The reason I visited dad was to tell him that I will have a chanting ceremony for him at 10 am on 26th.

On 26th, the chanting went ahead. I remember that day I saw those big kupu-kupu/moth (where you can only normally see them at Genting) at Cyberjaya and later white butterfly at Bukit Bintang during night time. I also reported seeing alot of 88s numbers in car plate that night, and told this to uncle/auntie. Also a few days later I saw a locust at our home, and mum told me that it was already there few days earlier.

Dad's event brought much peace to me. Later on, if not mistaken, I went to the temple at night and that time the chief monk and others were giving chant. Somehow that time I told him I wanted to donate, and the monk asked me to come on the 31st. 31st is the 10th anniversary of chief Dhammananda's passing away.

The next day (I can't really remember) I went to the temple at 3/4am and I wanted to donate RM 88. The temple was not open and I put my money there. A few days later I went to see the chief and handed over RM 888 cheque (I think). I told him to donate in memory of my dad, and asked for his blessings. He wrapped a small string on my wrist.

Then on 31st August I went for the big event. Many monks were present, including from all 3 sects, all paid respects to the chief monk's tomb. What was memorial for me that day was a very senior and old Mahayana nun. I gave her assistance my "blessed" bottle of water.


After the event finished, it is there where I met Cikgu No :) I took 2 charts - 88 Buddhas and Amitabha rendering - and he said it was his. He told me his wife left him there, and I told him I could fetch him back. He agreed, then we went to a shop to eat - somewhat named Mama's choice vegetarian food??. Later on I went to his house, and he treated me with XO. We waited awhile till evening came and he brought me to a Malay shop for food - the fried prawns and Tomyam was great.

All the events happened is the preclude to a important event happening soon - Raub charity trip on 3rd September.

September was mostly a wasted month. I was admitted for a 2nd round at 4-30 September (home leave on 26). On the 3rd Sept, I was supposed to go to Raub Buddhist charity trip. However, something something happened and circumstance changed that I did not go along with the bus - instead I chose to drive and follow them instead. On that day I put in many books in my car, including the Childcraft encyclopedia and medical books. I was hoping to donate them, though I now think what I thought that time was invalid.

Half way following the bus, I got distracted and failed to follow. I went to Bentong (left the Childcraft), then to Bukit Tinggi (and left my Macbook), also left many books at the Nah Tok Gong, then decided to go to Genting (for what reason is unknown). During half way to Genting, I became tired and distraught, for reasons that I did not fully know, I did not manage to stay at hotels (I didn't ask the counter?). I left some other astro books in Nah Tok Gong again. I went to Awana, and was told off by one of the bouncer - till today I still don't know why. Then I parked my car beside the surau and walked downhill and chanted in the middle of the road. Half way through the police came and brought me to the station.


Sunday, October 16, 2016

Liao Fan lessons


I read up on Liao Fan's 4 lessons. Though not finished yet, I think there is something I can learn from there.

In the book it is mentioned that Liao Fan, because of Kong's prediction about his future life, thinks that his life is fixated and hence he gives up thinking of changing it.

I think maybe it is time I think this way. For example, in terms of my career life, maybe I should think of settling down at KL instead of other places such as China or Singapore. China - too populated, alien, foreign; Singapore - need PR, need to get married in order to buy apartment, small HDB, island too small etc. KL - can I get back to HPE? If I can, I think I will stay there forever...

For marriage life, I think it will be better that I stay single. I am already 34, yet not dating or getting married soon. If dating were to take 3 years - I would be like, 37 only to get married? Is this too late? What can I say - its all my fault. Since in 2007/8 I made the stupid mistake of not sure wanting to stay at Penang to wasting my time in depression. Missed opportunity on Kher Sing.

On Buddhism


Over the course of few weeks I have been attending Buddhist classes at BMV. However after some time I feel quite negative about going there and am starting to not go there anymore. I feel that going to the class is often about memorizing things and this is not helping me.

As for Buddhism itself, I still feel that it is a pessimistic religion.

There are some things that I don't agree to:
1. On existence is suffering - on the other hand I feel that existence is a blessing (at least for many of us - with arms and legs and normal mind). It allows me to know about the Universe and God which I think is important. Without existence, how can we know such things?

2. There is no God - I believe in God(s), and who knows, maybe entity like Amitabha exists. I hope it does, so that Dad and Mum (next time) can rest in Xi Fang Ji Le Shi Jie. Personally, I believe that whenever we die, we get to "respawn" in realms that we idealize in. For me, I hope to serve God by working for Him, maybe in the Universe/Creation department? Who knows..

3. There is no soul - this is really depressing and awkward in Buddhism. Buddhism states there is no soul, yet there is rebirth - WTF is going on? Transmigration of mental energies or something that is bound by craving and desire which I find it very hard to understand and nebulous.

4. Everything is suffering and don't cling to anything - I don't really agree about the suffering thing. I don't really need another religion to tell me all the negative things about this world - religion should provide relief instead of adding more burden. And also, don't cling on to anything will make someone indifferent and dispassionate. Compare this to Christian, whereby they celebrate God and life, I feel that their way is better - it will make a person happier.

Buddhism is becoming very technical, it is like studying calculus. I think religion should be simple, elegant and easy to understand, not instead of studying calculus!

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Esoteric pursuit


  • Global economy modelling
  • Stock picker outperforming market
  • Advanced NLP

Monday, July 25, 2016

Boring Malaysia


Without having a clear goal ahead, you will not achieve in future. Years ago I would often think of working at ulu/remote places and have a quiet life. Perhaps it is the side effects of becoming complacent after staying at places like Melaka or Penang. In fact when I came back from Penang to KL, I became confused and frustrated as the city environment seems so complicated.

Now, I have a change of heart and would like to work in megalopolis places. Why should I be limiting myself to small places right? If I do so I would end up as a frog dwelling in a small well. But I only come to this realization after 10 years.. my goodness. God, please bless me on this.

Friday, July 15, 2016

Shan the Singaporean girl


Shan was a Singapore lady whom first messaged me in OkCupid.
We chatted for months via Line and I found her to be quite pleasant, overall she is mature in my opinion. As for her work, she says she is a day trader, which I think is a very stressful job. However it is also obvious to me that she has strong determination to leave Singapore no matter the cost.

I was thinking of coming to Singapore to meet her after I left HPE. However recent happenings have left me to conclude that she disappeared for good. I am disappointed about this, although I have a feeling that something unfavorable might have happened to her.

Regardless, Shan, if you are reading this, I hope you are doing well.. and managed to solve your short-mid term problems (if any). I also hope you will be able to migrate in the long term, though I don't know much on how you can do that as I only know the most common route would be Skilled Migration or Business Visa (which requires alot of money).

Change in inevitable.. as mentioned in my previous post.. so I don't feel too bad on this matter. Just that I hope for a better closure.. if any. Take care.

Tuesday, July 12, 2016

Change is inevitable


When I was still young, dad would often quote proverbs to us, and one of them was on "There is nothing constant but change". Though it was profound to me during that time, it is only around my age now that I truly understand what it means.

My experiences:

  • Agilent, Penang - almost everybody has left this company. Ex-colleagues have moved to other companies, and many MMU friends have left Penang altogether
  • IBM - ex-colleagues also left
  • Friends - everyone was so approachable and friendly in Uni days; now everyone is too busy to even meet up
  • Dad - used to be strong, confident, and assertive but since depression he totally gave up on life. Same goes for mum
  • Myself - aged quite a lot, due to abuse of my ownself during mid 20s on startup hype stuff

Monday, July 11, 2016

Life at mid 30s and BS stuff


34 now and approaching mid thirties. As I am in 30s, I have realized and learned many things about life, good as well as BS ones. 30 something is a challenging period, due to:

  • Will lose a lot of friends especially those from University days. Many will be busy with excuses such as family, career, gym or just too tired. Reality: if you are much richer, then friends will automatically have more time for you since you can potentially offer more economic value to them in potential deals and that they deem you as more successful in economic terms and want to have free advice from you
  • Everything is focused on monetary and you will probably be judged on how much you earn basically. Well everyone is now busy with their mortgages, children welfare, future education, investments, insurance, retirement etc so no surprises here. If you are poor, just GTFO
  • Problems with parents - parents will probably start to have physical and cognitive related problems, and some may just pass away at this time
  • Commitments - especially if you have a partner, then need to have them if not don't even consider to have one in the first place
  • Career existential crisis - probably at this time you will figure out the pros/cons with your career selection done earlier on when first started during 20s
  • Regrets about past - will probably think of things that you should have/not done in 20s
For my career, these are the cons I have realized so far:
  • No holding power - you need to constantly renew your skills, typical technology lasts for 2-3 years before becoming useless and total garbage
  • If you don't keep up, you can easily be replaced by a college kid or anyone that spent few weeks learning up the latest tech
  • Your skills can easily be outsourced (thanks to China, India, Bangla, Pakistan etc)
  • Generally low prestige job
  • Doesn't train you to be a people person - more into introversion
  • Industry is male dominated - come on, sometimes I need to talk to people from the opposite sex as well!
Other BS I have encountered:

  • MLM/get rich quick schemes - returns of 8% per month or higher; pay 100k and get massive passive income etc
  • Internet business millionaire schemes - usually these people can't even present a understandable business model in their elevator pitch
  • Make 10,000 per month via blogging or e-items - quite the hype some time ago, although might still be around. Some sell books such as "How to make 10,000 per month" with no actual content inside but they manage to milk your $30 ebook
  • Trading/Forex to earn 1000% returns - probability in winning is almost like coin toss in short term trading, and the only party that wins is the broker - through commissions
  • Getting rich from picking stocks - I thought there could be some kind of magical work on picking stocks as dad made significant amount of $ from his portfolio. Now I realize it is very difficult to beat market returns, avg at 8%/year
  • Startups - all the hype on becoming the next Bill Gates or Zuckerberg stuff. I was into this as well but people often underestimate the part on failure. Startups takes years to take off, and if really, really lucky you may get a exit within 7-10 years. Otherwise, you are going to forfeit that 10 years of yours and maybe end up in debt and burnout. You might be better off at having a average but stable job - you get to accumulate quite a significant amount of $ in 10 years and will already have a house and wife that time

Sunday, June 19, 2016

What if...


What if? It's always nice to think of what would happen to you, say had you chosen a different path at sometime earlier on. This has happened to me quite frequently, and as I grow older now I realized that it is actually a very destructive way of thinking.

Years ago during my worst period of time, I indulged myself thinking about what career would I had chosen for a better future. Obviously the term "better" could have been anything else besides being actually better. At that time I was thinking:

  • Should have become a petroleum engineer
  • Should have become a doctor/pharmacist
  • Confused between choosing IT, engineering and finance field

Well good thing now is that I am back to workforce again and such thoughts have subsided. But anyway to add to my previous list:

  • Should have become management consultant
  • Should have become some kind of hedge fund or portfolio manager
  • Temporary thoughts of becoming a monk
To close off those thoughts, I assigned reasons to the list on why it can't be done. Just for my personal musings anyway.
  • Petroleum engineer - never thought of doing that since was into IT and electronics during primary/high school
  • Doctor/pharmacist - almost impossible to get into public Uni on that subject; private is too costly - min RM 500,000
  • Confusion between IT, engineering and finance - happened due to no long term career planning
  • Management consultant - don't have much leadership roles in Uni time and degree is non-foreign University, which means won't get to become consultant in companies like Accenture
  • Hedge fund/portfolio manager - no Ivy League? No chance
  • Monk - being a monk is actually very hard life; after going through scriptures found them to be non sensical; chanting etc not my thing

In terms of spirituality, I think having a lot of what ifs is very bad. Imagine if you were dead and you meet God - if you still have a lot of what ifs, that would mean you have many attachments to the past. Sure, God can probably grant you the wish to go back in time and let you fulfill your "what if" scenario - but the problem is you will never be satisfied with the new condition and you would think of other "what if" scenarios again. And when you die again, you will be asked the same question again and the whole cycle would repeat endlessly.

That probably means you will be in an endless loop of negative existences and never realizing it. Now that's really Samsara and terrible! Lesson to learn is to always move forward, especially if encountered negative events. No one likes having bad things happen to them, the gist of it is on how to deal with such situation. You can either surrender or face it with positive attitudes.

Saturday, June 18, 2016

Element of uncertainty and finance related musings


When I was young, during my primary school days, I would spend my time on science related books. Most of the time it would be encyclopedias. From there I learned about electronics and computers, which made me to choose electronics engineering as my University course and later on in computer science/software career.

Having scientific background, I had the preassumed notion that reality can basically be objectively analyzed; that things could be rationalized with reasons or scientific methods. One of the topic that interested me during the time when I was working at Agilent (during my first year after graduation) was dad's significant stock returns that enabled him to build sizable wealth and in turn purchase a condo at Damansara.

I started collecting ebooks on investments and printed out some of them. Eventually, which I can't remember clearly how, dad encouraged me to take up the CFA (charted financial analyst) course. Being naive and curious and hungry to know more about finance, I took the plunge to study it and eventually left my company to do full time. However, things did not go smoothly after I finished my level 1 exam. Instead I became confused, and after going to an interview as a financial analyst, I rejected it and soon fell into depression as I felt that I had no idea of what I wanted to pursue that time.

Fast forward years later (2011), I started to purchase and sell shares, hoping that I could replicate my dad's success. However, from recorded transactions, which started from July 2011 to October 2015, I only managed to make 10% gains. That only means 2.41% CAGR for 4 years. Had I put this money into SPY (S&P 500 index), the result would have been 51.24% (10.87% CAGR). This lesson taught me about the fallacies of trading and that stocks should be held for long term.

Another thing that hurt me was the Alibaba stock I had purchased earlier on. I am not sure if I actually called my uncle to put all money into Alibaba, but anyway my previous holdings were all sold off and put into Alibaba. The stock was purchased at $99, and later it went up to as high as about $120. Seems great, only to drop back to $100.. and eventually 90, 80, 70, 60 and close to 50. It was really a nightmare for me that time and I was desperate. Eventually the price went up to $80 and my uncle sold it for me. Due to currency depreciation, the actual sum received was actually almost the same amount before being used to purchased. Although the capital was preserved, it is still technically a loss to me. This lesson taught me to never put all money into single stock.

My most recent activity has been putting equal amount of money into stocks like Apple, Google, Amazon, Facebook and other Malaysian stocks, partly based on their past performance track records. For example, Amazon gained 100% in 2015 and Apple has been steadily rising for some time. Unfortunately however, actual performance since buying up those stocks in December 2015 until today has been disappointing. Amazon not only did not have much gains, very surprisingly Apple dropped >-18% to date. This lesson taught me that past performance, really, does not indicate future performance and only enhances the efficient market hypothesis.

So what does this all mean? Basically my earlier notion that reality can be objectively analyzed and quantified was all a dream all along. I think that finance is a inherently unpredictable field; a fundamentally chaotic system. Dad's substantial returns from the stock market may be explained by the fact that he invested immediately after the financial crisis, during the time when stocks were at its lowest. And also coupled with the fact that he got lucky and bough the IPO shares of KNM, which gained up to 100x profits at its peak.

It may be only a matter of time before I would give up on hoping to find a systematic way of profiting from the markets. However before doing that I would try to apply machine learning techniques and other discrete algorithms/analysis to analyze past data and discover tell tale signs of a particular stock before they have significant movements. The stumbling block at this moment is on obtaining quality historical fundamental data, which I currently have no direct solution to.it except mining minor details from FT.com

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

Samyang spicy ramen


For the last few days I wanted to look for this popular and delicious instant noodle. I went to big malls such as MidValley, D'Pulze, LeisureMall and others but couldn't find them at all.
In the end I resorted to buying from 11street.com.my and paid RM 26 plus RM 6 shipping.

The mee arrived today and I just had one. It was delicious! Strangely, it doesn't feel as hot as the 1st time I tried it. I guess it's true that your level of tolerance to spicy food increases as you eat more of them.

I now prefer this mee over Shin Ramyun. Shin was pretty good as well, but it is soup based and less spicy. However, it is much common than Samyang.

Monday, June 6, 2016

Why I no longer like religion


Some years ago, I had personal existential issues and became anxious about life. I was also depressed that time. It was during this time I started to look out for religions for help. If I remember correctly I drove to Brickfields area and went to the Lutheran church near Jalan Berhala. There, I obtained a KJV Bible from the pastor who was organizing a feast that night. However I stopped going there afterwards.

I can't really remember the sequence of events which eventually led me to other places and religions; I will focus on Christian first anyway. I believe that later on I found my way to the Good Shepherd Lutheran church at Petaling Jaya (Jalan Othman). There I met pastor Yap (who is now placed at Johor), and he was really nice person and guided me towards Christian. He was patient and had weekly classes for me to explain about Christianity and other things. I was very moved by his kindness in this incident.

Although I went to his Church initially, I later on stopped going. I think Wen Han (cousin) later came back and told me about the church he went to, which was KingdomCity. He brought me there, which as at Petaling Jaya, and I love it. The atmosphere was different, having many youths and seem like going to party each time I'm at there. The pastors were very erudite as well, and are professional speakers. From there I joined the cell groups, which was a new experience for me. I managed to get to know new friends and acquaintances. Despite all these, in the end I stopped going to cell groups and churches as well.

In between the process, I also went to Buddhist Maha Vihara (pic) at Brickfields and started asking about Buddhism. Inside the bookstore located within the temple, I managed to get to know Beatrice (the secretary/admin) and Brother Ooi. Bro Ooi preached about Buddha Dhamma and I usually went to the bookstore and Saturdays to listen to him. He is a Theravada purist, and from his information I managed to get myself the Nikayas (scriptures). I managed to know an important friend, Devlen, and we are still friends up to today. He is religious, and plans to become a monk.

Somewhere in between I also went to the Hare Krishna ISKCON center at Taman Yarl. I first met Ailindah there. Later on she told me about a gathering at Penang, which I went, and there I managed to know TK who is the Chinese leader for ISKCON. He told me alot of things about the religion and also the miracles that happened to him from believing in Krishna. The event lasted for few days and it was pretty good. However I had nervous breakdown after the event and landed in hospital.

In between the years, when I was staying at the hospital, I would often involve myself with Islam related materials. I remembered at one time I helped a Muslim uncle to draft his theological document about Doomsday. I sometimes would also do morning prayers with others in the prayer room and had Azhan (call to prayers) when the TV shows up. However once I left the hospital I would quickly forgot about this Islamic stuff (which is good I think).


All of the events transpire above basically shows how naive I was when it comes to religion. It shows that I was in confused state and had some sort of abnormal thoughts of trying of understand and absorb many religions. In summary, I wasted quite a significant amount of time on these stuff. Now, especially since after I recovered from my personal problems and started working, I went back to my pre-confused state and stayed mostly deist/agnostic, and I am happy with it. I basically just believe in a Creator and that's it. Jesus, Muhammad or whatever are either just normal people perhaps with great influence or perhaps just myth.

I went back to YouTube to look for space documentaries, videos and stuff and find great pleasure in understanding the sciences behind them. Obviously this is also related to the fact that I studied Cosmology when I was in primary school days. There are still many things that are not explained by science yet, such as dark matter, dark energy, fate of Universe etc but these things make me marvel about the Universe and leads me to believe in a Creator.

I always like watch space related shows such as Star Trek.. and I hoped to see that space travel becomes a reality before I die. However this has changed lately, and I now think that common space travel is probably unlikely to happen in my lifetime. Probably the most likely thing to happen would to have artificial intelligence that is able to mimic humans in terms of speech. But as for a sentient A.I.... I think that would be almost impossible as it involves consciousness and that is probably a topic for another day.

Monday, May 16, 2016

Singapore...

On the last week of April, I had a 2-1 talk with Ethan and Chandra.
Ethan was asking me on what are a future plans (for the company?). I told him I aim to be an architect/tech lead. He then further probed me how/what am I doing to achieve that. Then I told him I spent my time after coming back home on online courses and video lectures. From there I mentioned about Swift and Mean technology. He didn't feel impressed or anything. He mentioned that Swift doesn't have much industrial visibility. I didn't really talk back much on this.

Towards the end of the conversation, I mentioned to Ethan that I don't plan to extend my contract on June. I told him I want to go to Singapore to look for jobs. And personally I would like to pursue a girl. Chandra then mentioned that he has a friend that went to China to look for a wife. Earlier on (can't remember) Ethan asked me about relationship things, asking me if I had dated before or not. I felt abit awkward when asked by this. After this the meeting was over.

As of today, I am thinking if I should go travel. The last time I traveled was on 2009 and that was going to Singapore only. If I don't do so now, I wonder if I would have the chance to travel or not...

Sunday, April 10, 2016

Sis came back

Today (9 Apr) sis came back to Malaysia.
She is just staying here until Sunday.

We had dinner at Da Tou restaurant with Yuen, together with mum.
She mentioned that her contract will end around June, but not sure yet if will be extended.

In the conversation between Yuen and sis, she mentioned that her husband will go tour for 2 years.
I didn't ask her much details between her and her husband.

Monday, March 28, 2016

Misguided dreams?


Today (Saturday) I managed to code part of my stock picker application.
The program works by analyzing stocks that have increased in price, then simulates buying/selling.
Upon testing however, I was disappointed to know that it didn't work as I hoped.
Seems like there is no shortcut way of earning money.

I have many misguided dreams.
I left my first job for studying finance.. hoping of switching career.
I have no idea why I had that in mind.. maybe it was because I hoped to learn about stock trading and I saw dad successfully doing it.
The decision made my became depressed, and I wasted years of my life.
Dad became depressed and never recovered from it.

If I could go back, I should never had left Penang and should just stayed there and have a family.
Now, I am a shell of my former self.
Will I spend the rest of my life as a poor and single old man?
Dad, what advice do you have for me?

Monday, March 21, 2016

Qing Ming

Today Mum, Yuen and Me went to Xiao En Nilai to visit dad's grave.
It is for the Qing Ming.

Mum bought alot of things, like the joss papers and some food.
I told her a few times already not to buy joss papers as I think it is not necessary for Buddhists.
She also bought meat items like fish ball and chicken for dad, which I think should be vegetarian food.

As usual we lit up the candles, joss sticks and offered prayers.
After that we burned the joss papers.

Once the ceremony was done, we went back to KL.
I suggested that we have lunch and went to the Ship at Pertama complex, which is located opposite of Sogo. We took some time to look for the building.

Mum ordered the minute steak, Yuen order the salmon, and I ordered the black pepper steak.
The food was OK, but nothing to shout about.

As the bill came, it was at RM 150.
My steak costs about RM 48, which is pricier if compared to New York Steak Shack at Midvalley which costs about 20 something.

We went back home after that.

Dad, I hope you are finding peace in whatever realm you are now in.
Sometimes I wish you were still here, to guide us; at this moment I feel scared about facing the future, there seems to be a lot of challenges ahead.
I hope that you will let go of the regrets you had and be happy.
Take care, Dad.

Friday, February 5, 2016

Started work at HP Cyberjaya & my future


I started working at HP Cyberjaya on 26th January. My job title was .Net Developer, hired under contract for 3 months under Technodex Sdn Bhd.

Working at HP reminds me of working at Agilent. It's a big MNC company with big compound and many car parks. Everyday I need to travel for around 45 minutes to reach office; going back is longer, around 1 hour.

The working environment there seem relaxed. Even when reaching the office at 9 am, the parking space of my office seem relatively unoccupied. I believe the permanent staff enjoy flexi working hours.

The salary I'm getting is RM 4.5k. Bro and sis mentioned that it was good pay, given that I was not working already for some amount of time. For me, I felt that I could have earned higher - if I never stopped working.

For my future, everything seems uncertain yet. I still have many lingering regrets, especially on my past depression and on financial issues. I hated the fact that I wasted so much time. And in terms of money, I lost a lot of them and I'm not sure how to earn back them. I have no ideas on how to earn other income source at the moment. I really admire dad.. he was not rich initially, but managed to bring up the family and bought shares and property. However I nullified his efforts and I'm very sorry about it.

Friday, January 15, 2016

Happy birthday to myself


15 Jan is my birthday. I am turning 34.

I went out with Bella today. She gave me a cake when I fetched her. Thanks.
After arriving at Leisure Mall I decided to have the Taiwan Taiwan pork chop rice. It was pretty good as usual. We went back after that.

Ever since young I never really celebrated my birthday in a big way. It was mostly quiet one.
However I still remember back then when I was depressed, Dad bought a cake and celebrated with me. Thanks, Dad.

Monday, January 11, 2016

Jobstreet fair

Image result for jobstreet

On 8th January I went to Jobstreet's MCTF 16 career fair at Midvalley.
Bella and Vivian followed as well.

I reached the Midvalley exhibition hall at around 10:47 am but the halls were not opened yet. We continued walking around until 11:00 am.

When the shutters were opened, Bella and I registered ourselves via the provided computer terminals.
We proceeded to the exhibition hall and the first company was Nestle. After having some chat with the representative, I dropped my resume in the box.

Overall I dropped my resume to the following companies:

Nestle
BAT
IBM
HP
Swift
Jardine Onesolution
Hitachi Ebworx
Manulife
Sony
Silverlake
Softspace

Once done we went outside to meet with Vivian again. Initially we went to the Feng Shui shop to look for her but she was not there. After walking awhile we found her and went to a nearby shop to have chicken rice.

Later I followed Bella to the Gardens South Tower - she wanted to pay her CPA membership.
Once done we went to a bakery at Aeon to buy some stuff for Vivian.
We went back after that.

I hope that I will receive calls from companies later on.

Sunday, January 10, 2016

Happy New Year


I celebrated New Year with Bella. We went to the Ikon at Connaught.


There we had Subway for our lunch. We ordered the everyday value set, me having the Chicken Slice while she ordered Veggie Delight. The price was affordable, at RM 7.30.


After that we went to Blackball and had our shaved iced. We ordered Melon Jade Jelly.
I found the shaved iced mediocre.. and I was abit taken back by its sour taste.
We chatted about some topics on the mind and left once finished.


During night time, I went to a new cafe named Questionmark at Pandan Indah. I wanted to order their beef bolognaise but unfortunately it was sold out. In the end I ordered a cake and a tea drink. That was how I celebrated my New Year.

Thursday, December 31, 2015

New Year Eve


Time flies. Today is New Year Eve.. in an hours time it will be 2016.
I went out with Bella today to the Yulek night market. It was my first time.
The night market is situated along the road of Jalan Kaskas 3, with Ah Wet cafe nearby.

Bella wanted to buy some vape liquid. After searching awhile, the stall was not open. She bought some vegetables and mushrooms. After that we went somewhere else nearby 7-eleven and had Chee Cheung Fun. The dish was served in curry; I had no trouble with the curry but mucus keeps coming out from my nose, it was annoying. The dinner was accompanied by some sweet fungus drink.

We went back to check the vape stall; unfortunately it wasn't there. Too bad, Bella didn't get what she wanted. I bought a "Jin Long Pau" / peanut pan cake - it was pretty good.

And thus that was my day for 31 Dec.

Christmas
Nothing much to celebrate this day, even though I'm a Christian.
Just went to Pizza hut to have my dinner.

I remembered being baptized on Christmas day few years ago. It was done by Pastor Yap at Johor.
Oh, how I miss those days when he was heading the church at Petaling Jaya. He was very kind and introduced Christianity to me.

I remember being lost, seeking religion and stumbled upon him. Pastor Yap would gave me classes in the morning at the Jalan Othman church every week, for few months. He would discuss about the Lutheran church, God, Jesus and other usual religious stuff. I was surprised he asked me on questions about evolution. Sometimes I bring mum along as well.

After the classes finished, I did not convert immediately. I went to the church occasionally, but eventually stopped and went to other church (Kingdom City). I didn't contact Pastor Yap after that and I didn't know that he was later transferred to Johor.

Thank you for all your support, Pastor Yap.

Thursday, December 24, 2015

19 Dec - 23 Dec 2015


Sis left for Japan today at around 6:30 pm. She came back on 19th December 2015, Saturday.

Earlier on this morning she called and informed me that she left her purse at home. I searched for it and managed to find it in one of her bags. Later on I took a cab and went to Midvalley to find her.
She was having her haircut at Centro, Gardens. Hehe how clumsy!

She mentioned she will be going to Bukit Bintang afterwards and asked me if I wanted to be fetched home. I agreed. After that I went to Canton-i at LG floor and had my duck noodle and a lemon tea. It was expensive - RM 24.25.

Sis later informed me that her friend had arrived at Bukit Bintang. Left with no choice, I told her that I will go back home via taxi. The cab fees were not cheap, it was RM 22 and RM 25.50 two ways. Anyway her new hairstyle was very pretty; must have cost a bomb.

I wish her safe journey to Japan and hope that she will have a great time there.
Take care sis.

Reunion dinner

A day earlier (22 Dec), we had a reunion dinner at grandma's house. It was the winter solstice. The dinner consisted of roasted chicken, pig ribs, 蛋角, veggies and peanut soup. The food was done by grandma and uncle Kar Choy. After meal and we had "tong yuen".

Grandma seems grumpy that day and she often raises her voice. I feel uncomfortable with it.
She seem to scold uncle Kar Huat often. Could it be because of her age? I remembered during CNY period, she complained about me wearing a black shirt that time. Pretty scary.

Earlier on I informed uncle Kar Fook that I had a document (small estate distribution) that needed grandma's signature. Uncle told me that grandma probably can't move around and advised me to negotiate with the commissioner to come to grandma's house to get her signature. He also mentioned to wait for Gu Jeh to come back during January so that she may persuade grandma to sign. I can't do much in this case and agreed to his words.

Minor errands

On 21th Dec, we went to Pandan Indah to perform some minor errands. First we went to Maybank to change our Amanah Saham Wawasan 2020 booklet and ownership.

Later sis and I went to the commissioner for oaths (few shops beside Lazeez cafe) to ask him to sign our small estate distribution forms.However after some explanation from him we realized that there were some elements in the forms were filled wrongly. We decided to switch the property division method to "muafakat"; mum is to have 1/2 share while the 3 of us will have 1/2 portion divided evenly.

Sis suggested that we have a second opinion and we went to few places to consult alternate advice. First we went to a shop nearby the RHB bank but realized that it was a lawyer's office instead of commissioner for oaths. Then we went Khalid, Iqbal associates nearby Fei Por chicken rice shop but the commissioner was not it. Then we traveled to menara MPAJ to look for another commissioner. However we were abit lost there and ended up asking a clerk at the Pandan Indah magistrate court. Sis talked to her, but I felt that the clerk didn't gave much useful advice.

We came again next day and had the documents signed. Sis then went to see he mother-in-law and went to Midvalley for haircut. The haircut was not successful as it was fully booked.

Dad's 49th day

On the 20th Dec (Sunday), we went to dad's grave at Xiao En Nilai to offer prayers. 16th Dec marks the 49th day of his death; according to traditional Chinese believes, 49th day is the average day it takes for the soul to be reincarnated. However, from one of the Theravada Buddhism leaflets that I have read, it is mentioned that rebirth takes place immediately after death instead of the average 49 days.

Mum brought a lot of joss paper and joss sticks during that day. I think she spent about RM 70 for all of the items, which I think is too much. In my opinion Theravadian ceremonies should be as simple as possible; offering joss sticks should suffice. Burning of joss papers etc seem more Taoist to me.

Dad's tombstone was seen lying on the floor that day and was not installed yet. I hope that it would be done as soon as possible and I await Xiao En to inform me about it. I don't think I will visit the grave on the day the tombstone is installed as we have to visit dad's grave again on his 100th day.

Sunday, November 22, 2015

Another dream about dad

Had another dream about dad today!
But unfortunately I can't remember the details hehe
It was a benevolent dream.

A dream about dad


Today (Saturday) I had a dream about dad.
I can only vaguely recall the dream, it was something about me angry about dad and scolding him!
Haha what a terrible son I am.
Perhaps it is to remind me of my not so good temper?

Thanks dad.
And wherever you are, I hope you are at a better place now.
Amen.

Friday, October 30, 2015

Dad passed away


Dad passed away on 29th October 2015 at around 12 am.
Daddy, you are the best. I love you.
Though you don't often speak much, your actions in taking care of the home speaks volunes.

I'm so sorry I caused you so much troubles such ruining your financials (condo etc), having you to take care of me when I was unwell, hitting you when I wasn't sane etc. Please forgive me.

I'm sorry you left early and don't have grandchildren yet, I'm sorry I couldn't take care of you when you were old.

I hope you feel much relieved now on your incurable headache... I hope you find peace in Heaven/Nirvana.

I will take care of mum I promise.

All the best Dad!

Updates
Pictures of relatives visiting us during the wake ceremony.




About 7 pm, the monks came and they started the chanting ceremony. There were a total of 3 chanting sessions, and each session lasted about an hour. I was having difficulty with the chanting sessions as my leg was painful (caused by my effort to carry dad's body earlier on) when kneeling down and getting up.

Yuen's IBM colleagues visited later on.

About 10-11 pm, to my surprise, my primary school friends came as well! They were Kah Choon, Wei Loon and Kok Yew. I didn't inform them but they knew about dad's death as I posted it on Facebook earlier on. I was very moved by them and we chatted for some time.


Sis decided to stay at Xiao En for the night.

On the next day, we arrived at Xiao En at around 5-6 pm and I saw sis reciting the Earth Store sutra. She informed that Mr Seow (dad's good friend) arrived earlier and gave a significant sum. 舅舅's son came visited as well.

Later sis's friends came to visit.



Funeral procession day
31 October was dad's funeral procession day. Mr Ebinesan (dad's former boss) and sis's father & mother in law came. When it was around 10-11 am, everyone left for Nilai. I carried dad's photo and sat in the van carrying his casket. Others followed us in the bus.

After reaching Xiao En memorial park, dad's casket was carried to the incinerator. The monk chanted and we offered our last respects and prayers. After he finished, dad's casket was carried by machine into the incinerator room. Smoke came out from the room and there was a display of laser lights.

After the ceremony, we went to the site where dad's ash/bones is supposed to be placed.
We were asked to choose his grave site. Initially it was supposed to face east, but 4th auntie told us that for deceased people, it is better to face west as it means 西方极乐世界 (Western Paradise).

In the end we chose the unit 03-07-1. Auntie asked us to 打圣杯 to ask if the plot is agreeable or not. I wasn't sure what it meant initially but then realized that it was actually throwing of 2 coins in hopes of getting a head and tail which meant a "yes". I threw the coins 3 times and the result was - No, Yes and Yes :)


Scattering of ashes
Michael came to our house to pick us up to Nilai. Uncle Kar Yoong and Kar Fook came along as well.


When we arrived at the memorial park, we went to the incinerator room. It was a cozy little room and we were shown dad's bones. Michael asked all of us to pick a bone from the fragments and place it in the urn. The urn was then filled up. We were also shown another portion of dad's ashes which would be scattered at sea later on.

I was asked to carry the urn along with a big joss stick and went to dad's burial site in a van, A monk was already waiting for us and then he started chanting and we offered our prayers. Later on the urn was placed in the grave by some workers. Once finished, I gave an ang pow to the monk (chanting fees about 400+). He then asked us to snip the 发糕 and eat it as a gesture of prosperity and told us to take some of the fruits back.

Once done, we headed to Port Klang and took a boat to the sea to scatter dad's ashes. The boat journeyed around 30-45 minutes before stopping and we scattered dad's ashes.



After the event, uncle asked Michael to ask the boat man to recommend us nice seafood shops. However, the boat man seem to misunderstand and took us to bah kut teh shops. Uncle Kar Yoong seems to be annoyed with this. We went looking around for seafood restaurants before deciding to head for the Bagan Hailam Lagoon seafood restaurant. It is located in a Hainan village not far from the port we left earlier on. Sis just ordered tofu as she wanted to stay vegetarian for a week.

Once done Michael sent us back. I gave him the angpow containing the boat fees which was around 600+. Uncle Kar Yoong came to our house and chatted awhile. After that he left followed by Yuen.

4th November
4th auntie asked us to offer prayers to dad at 钟万仙师 temple located at Jalan Pasar.
We went there during morning and I parked my car just opposite the temple. The temple seem to be Taoist type. At the entrance there is a giant paper model of the underworld God. Otherwise there were many paper models of humans, horses, houses etc in the temple.



After that we went to a shopping complex nearby (beside the market) and had Subway.

7 November
Earlier on when meeting with uncle Kar Fook's lawyer, uncle informed us that there will be a dinner on the 7th. We went to Yi Sheng Huat seafood restaurant (@Jalan Gajah) on that day and had a nice meal. The venison meat was good. Uncle Kar Yoong was present.

Once we finished our dinner, uncle Kar Yoong asked us to offer prayers at the Buddhist temple nearby. It was just walking distance and the temple was Buddha Jayanti. It was a Thai Theravada Buddhist temple.